A divorced friend of mine sent an email to me following a recent conversation. She had one additional thing which she forgot to mention at the time. It was: “. . . don’t you ever try anything so stupid .. or I will lose faith in men completely. (Her emphasis, not mine.) The ‘anything so stupid’ would be for me to leave my wife. Although it has been 3 years since her husband left her, the disappointment is still raw and the ongoing issues with her former spouse continue.
She raises a point however, which I take seriously: how my own lifestyle and values help or hinder others in their own walk with God. For me, and I think for many other Christians, the culture of this society and its values are ones which erode our commitments and tempt us with materialism, hedonism and self-centeredness. We are called to live as a disciple of Christ and this will mean our lifestyles will by necessity, have a prophetic edge to them; they will be out of sync with the ‘world’, our society’s values. Daily we are bombarded with images on billboards, magazines and in newspapers which attempt to lure us to purchase a particular product. Many are made more eye catching by the addition of a beautiful female to gain our attention. Advertisements on the television, ‘girlie’ magazines at the petrol station and magazine racks at the newsagent offer a tantalizing alternative to either celibacy or fidelity to our spouse. The sexualisation of our culture may appear ‘cute’ and fairly innocuous when its Kyle (Minogue) dancing, but its abusive and one which steals the innocence 12 and 13 year old girls when they are dressed in skimpy and provocative clothing.
For those in the USA I have never understood why it is appropriate to have lithe women in brief and tight fitting clothing parading their natural attributes while dancing. I speak of the basketball or gridiron cheer squad. It appears to this distant outsider of American culture that it is never questioned by Christians there. Perhaps American culture has become so sexualized and ingrained that the Church is now oblivious to its ongoing impact. The excuse that the dancing cheer leaders are only ‘eye candy’ is at its best, disingenuous, and at its worst, avoiding the fact that it feeds the male fantasy for sex without relationship and responsibility. The general sexual permissiveness in our (Western) society is such that to voice an opinion which is critical of these prevailing values and lifestyles is looked upon as being prudish or politically incorrect and insensitive.
But returning to my original concern: what can I do so that I will not become like my friend’s husband and many other men who have left their wives and more often than not, the church as well? This is where the tradition of contemplation has something worthwhile listening to. Paul writing to his protégé Timothy said: ‘Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.” (1 Timothy 4:16, NIV) Our private decisions influence the general public, often far more than we realize until it’s too late. Who we are, our lifestyle, counts as much and more than what we say as a church leader. So watching our life and doctrine (what we hold to) on a daily basis is the daily imperative. We cannot relax for one moment because we are engaged in a war: the flesh, the devil and the world. Older seasoned saints know this and that’s why they are still pressing on, but those who treat this view with scorn are no longer with us. They have been taken prisoner when they succumbed to the propaganda spread by the enemy that its ok to compromise in this area.
It’s not easy living in this culture driven by images, messages and moral permissiveness. It should not surprise us that many do fall and it’s easy to become discouraged. After a few days in a silent retreat with sustained periods to pray, think and ruminate on life, I am often struck as I drive back into the city by the crass materialism of the large lifestyle shops on the main highway. I am tempted to turn around and head to the hills. But this will not in itself be the solution. Being a monk will not necessarily solve the problem. The following illustration will highlight this.
A Benedictine monk was asked by a curious outsider what monks do all day.
He replied: ‘We fall down and then we get up again.’
And what do you do the next day?”, the enquirer asked.
‘Oh, the next day, we fall down and we get up again.’
Being a monk does not remove you from temptation, crazy thoughts or the human condition to be imperfect or to sin. They are realists in a refreshing way about what goes on in our heads. But they are also practical. They know the value of living together in community so that each can support the other. The individual is not left alone to try and transform themselves or figure it out themselves. The community itself provides the means that God uses to help transform the individual monk. That is why they are called to be ‘in stability’ with the community and not to move on to greener pastures (as so many in our churches do).
For me, here’s what I do so that my life doesn’t fall apart and so I don’t succumb to the temptation to give it all away. First, I try and consciously live day by day, re committing myself to the task of engaging in meaningful communication with those who are nearest and dearest. This is to fulfill the second commandment of loving my neighbour. This is dependent on being open with my communication with God – fulfilling the first commandment.
Second, a degree of self awareness of the stuff which works its way around in my head is required and this takes some time of each day. So I spend some time each day reflecting on it (prayer of exam for example), meditating on Scripture, drawing near to God. But it is this stuff, which the Desert Fathers called: the thoughts of one’s heart, that I am trying to pay attention to. They are the temptations which quickly lodge in our hearts and sprout as thorns and thistles. Benedict gives guidance here by saying: “As soon as thoughts spring up in your heart, dash them against Christ.’ (Rule, ch 4) Occasionally I need to air them with my spiritual director and this has the element of confession. When I am seeing my spiritual director I try to remain open to him so that I hide nothing. Fortunately his love for me is greater than my shame. This commitment to remain open and not hiding my thoughts is also expressed in my relationship with my wife and children. The opposite is deceit. (See John Cassian, Conferences, Section 18-20 for example on dealing with thoughts and temptations.) The key word is transparency – before God, before my director, to my wife, to myself. By ventilating these thoughts, temptations and little fantasies, their power over me when they are brought out into the open is broken. This was called the ‘manifestation of thoughts’ in the early period of monastic development when the disciple would share his inner thought life with his master in the desert.
Third, the only way I can stay on track is by regularly making a conscious commitment to hang out with healthy men (mostly Christian) who are not sucked into the deceit of materialism. They are not competitive or bragging about their achievements but simply humble people getting on with life and trying their best to be a disciple of our Lord. They are on the other side of youthful excess and passion. They are no longer following some dream which is powered by their selfishness. To some extent, this is the role a healthy Christian community has in reinforcing and shaping our commitments. It is similar to the role the monastic community has in keeping an eye on the individual and being the collective conscience to the individual.
Fourth, the church’s culture can itself become one which is influenced by our wider sexualised culture. The culture of power also has a way concealing itsself too and for this reason, we need to be vigilant to its penetration and then collaboration with the sexualized culture to create a potent mixture of excitement. Signs of its work are when pastors present themselves like presidents of a new kingdom or confuse God’s authority with their own. Other signs are when some of the women who attend church are dressed provocatively with plunging necklines and bare shoulders. My antennae begin to twitch that something is amiss. Some (women) even come in short shorts. The music team and song leaders also reinforce the power and sexualised culture of the church. When they dress in cool clothing in order to look hip I am a little disturbed. This is not too bad, but when the worship time is “orgasmic” I am heading to the exit. Growing up in the shadow of the Nazi propaganda machine and then the Cold War with prophets like Orwell and Huxley calling us to stand outside the culture and look at the way our society was being massaged by various political ideologies, I am disturbed when an attractive woman begins to demand my participation and to suspend my critical faculties. The cd covers of young Christian woman dressed in revealing clothing meet my eyes with seductive looks. A heady mix of music, lighting, suggestion by the pastor, power dressing and unbeknown to us, we are being massaged into a place where we are open to the suggestion of many things, one of which is that feelings, with a sense of empowerment and intimate contact with God are combined to provide a powerful experience. This emphasis on experience helps promote the culture that my feelings are more important than my responsibilities or my covenants, or even the need for an accurate understanding of Scripture. I try to keep away from such places and the experiences they conjure up. This is one of the reasons why I’m in a cooler (emotionally) church called Anglicanism which has a tradition and liturgy that acts as a buffer to the sexualisation and power worship of the independent churches. The prayer book and liturgy help to keep ministers confined from projecting their own psychological and sexualized power, but even this dike can be breached when determination takes place to indulge in Baal worship.
I think I’m right in saying, that men when they hit mid life, they often suffer a malaise of disaffection with themselves, their spouse and life itself. The causes are many, but they then begin secretly entertaining thoughts about how much better it would be if . . . They are unaware of their passions, their desires and their deepest needs which have led them into this place. The problem is not in what we see, but what the heart does with what we see. The solution is to ‘guard your heart’ as the Desert Fathers taught.
What men are aware of in mid-life are their accumulated hurts, their disappointments (in life) and the thirst for something else. There is often an identifiable desperation within to alleviate the malaise that has become their constant companion. A new career, a new marriage or a change in their location are seen as short cut solutions to relieve this malaise, especially when they have experienced travel overseas. Overseas travel is a narcotic which provides immediate relief from the internal pain and malaise. One thing in common amongst several friends who have left their wives has been the considerable amount of time they spent away from their spouses overseas. While travelling, they live in a bubble cocooned from the grittiness of daily life, staying in five star hotels, dining on fine food and the people they rub shoulders with are always dressed immaculately. There are no whinging children with runny noses and no wife asking for help in the kitchen or to take a child to their sporting commitment. The daily chores which breed irritability are being relieved by hotel staff while they are away. Here again, the Benedictine distinctive emphasis on stability speaks into my life to keep time away from wife and family to a minimum. (It is their distinctive emphasis because the monk does not make a threefold vow of poverty, chastity and obedience, but conversion of life, obedience and stability – to remain where God called you.)
The hard work of conversion is not entertained by men who are in this place of discontent because the solution to the problem is seen to be ‘out there’, with the existing wife, work or situation. But we know that the problem really resides within our hearts. It is at this point that our focus must shift to the God who has called us not only to faith in Christ, but calls us daily to allow him to transform us by his Spirit (2 Cor 3:18). But this is also our hope: things need not remain as they are, we can each day start over again, in Christ’s love and freedom. At the point where we recognise that we need to turn away from this growing temptation or malaise within, and seek Christ is real conversion. It’s not something we did in the past, it’s something we are called to do daily.
